Self-sabotage may not appear as destructive as self-harm, but ultimately it causes more damage in the long run. Be it your job, relationships, or health, almost everything can get impacted due to this condition. Keep reading this article to know more about how these habits develop and affect relationships and tips to control them.
What Causes Self-Sabotaging Behavior?
Self-sabotage can happen for a variety of reasons. Perhaps you were raised in a complex environment, and it is part of how you live life. You do not just wake up one morning and decide to sabotage your relationship. Such behavior can be traced back to specific life events or people who made you become this way. However, don’t wait until the signs that your relationship is over become blatantly obvious. Over time, self-defeating habits can become so deeply ingrained that they are almost automatic, which is why it may be hard for you to see them. Here are some triggers for self-sabotaging tendencies:
Things That Happened In Your Past
Self-sabotaging behavior is often caused by an unresolved trauma, such as childhood abuse or the death of someone close, over which the person has had no control. It may even be related to an addiction problem that needs more serious treatment than self-help methods. Patterns established in early relationships may be seen over time in other relationships. Your present circumstance differs from the past, but it may be tough to break out of similar negative habits.
Fear Of Failure
The reason self-sabotage is so universal, and we all do it to some extent. As infants, we rely on our parents for everything — food, comfort, nurturing, and love. As we grow older, most of us assume that self-worth comes from outside ourselves. Thoughts like, “I’m not good enough” or “My best isn’t good enough” undermine even the most confident person’s productivity and sense of self-worth. Avoiding failure can lead you to avoid attempting in the first place. So, your subconscious mind feeds you with reasons and methods for sabotaging yourself.
Unrealistic Expectations
Perhaps you have an unrealistic idea of a perfect relationship fuelled by what you see on social media or entertainment pieces such as movies and books. Comparing your relationship to a highly idealized standard can lead to disappointments as your partner cannot live up to it. If you pay attention, you may find yourself constantly nagging, complaining, or trying to emotionally manipulate your partner to fit them into your standards.
Unhealthy Communication
If you and your partner have not established transparent communication channels, it will gradually lead to misunderstandings, mistrust, and bitterness. Also, if you find yourself unable to communicate in a healthy way, you may resort to self-sabotaging behaviors such as constantly blaming your partner for the smallest things while they do not understand what is making you upset.
An Attempt In Self-Preservation
Self-sabotage is a coping mechanism that people use to protect themselves from feeling vulnerable or going through a painful experience again. They may also do it while trying to make themselves feel better about their decisions or life choices, trying to escape from reality and responsibility, or fulfilling self-destructive tendencies. Self-sabotaging habits can also be caused by a desire to control events. You may feel safe, strong, and ready to face whatever comes your way when you are in command. Whatever may be the reason you resort to self-sabotaging, it is clear that nothing good can come of it. So, read on to understand how this behavior can manifest in a relationship and avoid harming your relationship subconsciously or unconsciously.
14 Signs You Are Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship
For starters you need to know how to stop being insecure in a relationship. Insecurity is one of the most common reasons for a relationship to fall apart. Apart from this, here are other signs that you are unknowingly self-sabotaging your relationship. Petula, a blogger, shared how she self-sabotaged her relationships. She writes, “I pushed away people who loved me because I felt I didn’t deserve their love. I pushed away opportunities offered me because I felt I wasn’t ready to tackle them. I pushed away friends who wanted to be there for me because I was independent and didn’t need anyone. I pushed away my family because I felt they wouldn’t understand my strange and unorthodox life as an artist and a creative person. I pushed away lovers whose only crime was that they wanted all of me, not just the crumbs I offered. All of it was self-sabotage, all of it (i).” It is, thus, important to have mutual respect and open communication in any relationship. If you think you might be engaging in self-sabotaging behavior, go to the next section to understand how you can keep it in check.
Things You Can Do To Control This Tendency
When Should You Seek Professional Help?
When self-sabotage reaches a point where it’s too detrimental to a person’s mental health and daily functioning, it should be considered a form of self-harm. It is then that consulting a professional therapist can prove quite helpful. However, self-sabotage can also manifest subtly and not affect one’s life in drastic ways. In this case, self-sabotage has more to do with self-esteem and not self-harm. Books can be an excellent place to begin self-improvement in such scenarios. Self-help books are usually written by experienced psychologists and mental health professionals. They can be very helpful in recognizing one’s issues and self-defeating behavior. Another way to make progress is to work with a self-help group. It will allow one to see that they are not alone in their self-sabotaging behavior and learn other coping mechanisms. Working with a self-help group or a therapist are both healthy options for self-improvement that won’t cost you much, compared to the damage self-sabotage may cause. Do depressed people self-sabotage? Yes, people struggling with depression may have low self-esteem that may lead to self-sabotaging behaviour and habits. Is self-sabotaging a toxic trait? While it may affect the person and those around them negatively in different aspects of life, it’s usually not considered a toxic trait. It can be managed and changed with the right guidance, support, and awareness. Is self-sabotaging a symptom of bipolar? Yes, it could be a concerning symptom of bipolar disorderi A mental health condition in which a person experiences extreme mood swings, unusual shifts in energy, insomnia, and depression. . Is self-sabotaging a symptom of BPD? Borderline personality disorderi A mental health disorder that leads to extreme mood swings, emotional distress, and unstable relations due the body’s inability to control emotions. affects your thoughts and emotions, and may lead to self-sabotaging acts and behaviours. Uncover the surprising reasons behind self-sabotage in love and learn how to break free from destructive patterns. Discover the keys to nurturing and sustaining healthy relationships. Watch this video now!
